I’ve wanted to write about this topic for quite some time. I’ve avoided it for a few reasons. First, it feels “off brand”. It’s not. But I can see how some folks might think it is. The other reason I’ve avoided it is it’s my story. It’s personal.
Jesus used the soil as a metaphor for talking about the heart of man. I find this fact intriguing because it involves two subjects that I’m vastly interested in. The soil and it’s intricate soil-food-web, and the human heart and it’s innate neediness.
I’ve talked about the soil before, but I’ve never talked about my heart journey. I will now.
I hope you’re encouraged.
Paradigm Changers.
I am sure I am not unique when I say I have had a few paradigm shifting events and seasons in my life. If one thinks back, they will likely note different periods or memorable events that changed them forever. I’ve had my own share of these events. The first one that really stands out is my time at Legacy, a discipleship school that forever changed my spiritual paradigm. When asked about my faith, I like to describe my experience in pre and post Legacy terms. In 2019, I had a similar paradigm shifting event. This time it was my soul paradigm that changed.
The Fight Cycle
During our first 7 years of marriage, Morgan and I would get in ruts. It would look something like this: Morgan would do something or not do something and I’d have feelings about it. I’d try to communicate with her about how I felt and would end up hurting her feelings in the process. Then I would either A.) apologize for hurting her feelings and feel bad for having my own feelings in the first place or B.) stand my ground and eventually Morgan would apologize to me and we’d attempt to move on. For a while, things would get better until something bothered me again and I couldn’t hold it any longer and the fight cycle would repeat. We loved each other and didn’t want to hurt one another, but no matter how hard we tried, the cycle continued. Connection and deep intimacy were drifting away.
Morgan suggested counseling. I was hesitant at first. I felt that the time and money involved was too much. It wasn’t until I was convicted about focusing so much on investing in real estate and not in my marriage that I hopped on board and we made plans to meet with a counselor.
We decided to travel to Nashville and meet with Jeff from TinMan for a one day, 8 hour intensive counseling session. Our homework before was to write down our top ten most traumatic experiences. On the way I shared with Morgan something I had never shared with anyone. Ever. And it felt great. Now, I was ready for the counseling session. Finally, Morgan could understand how she was affecting me and how she needed to change.
A Stranger in the Mirror
I really thought I was going for Morgan. She was being too sensitive, and I was glad somebody else could tell her that I was a reasonable guy. As far as myself… I didn’t have a whole lot of material for Jeff to work with. I had a great childhood and was just a normal guy. I was planning on checking the marriage counseling box, getting some communication help, and then getting back to life as I knew it.
Fast forward to that evening after we had returned home, and I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. Literally. It was like I was looking at a stranger. I’ll never forget that moment.
It’s hard to explain what happened there in the office with Jeff and Morgan. It was as if somebody took a hammer and shattered the multiple images of myself that I was casting out into the world. It wasn’t me that was shattered; I had lost me. I was buried somewhere deep underneath these images that I used to protect myself. The hammer hurt. It was wildly disorienting. But if I was going to recover myself, it had to happen.
From that day forward, my life would never be the same. And the work was just beginning.
Post-TinMan
It’s been 5 years since that day. If all I had ever done was go to that counseling session, it would have been helpful, but I’m certain I would have slipped back into my old patterns and put the old masks back on. Thankfully, Jeff connected me with Joel, my heart coach, who I’ve talked with every two weeks for the last 5 years. Joel, my heart group, and a few close friends are my lifelines. They are oases in what often feels like a vast desert. Places where I can tell the truth, be needy, bring my inner world into the light, and connect. Where I am called out when I begin to cast an image and perform.
My experience is that these places are hard to find, and I want to help others find them.
I’m not exactly sure how. I think writing a little bit about my story is a start. I plan to write more here about this heart journey with the hope that others who are struggling might be encouraged to take a step toward the light as well.